I Wanted To Leave The Church

(November 2018)

I sat on the top of my car peering out into the night sky. I ate a breakfast burrito, and drank a cold

dr. Pepper, and my heart sang songs of gratitude. Peace wrapped me up like the warmest wool

blanket, and for a moment my soul stood still, taking in the breeze and the stars and the light

only the top level of the parking garage could give off. Who would have ever thought that some

concrete jungle could bring this dry bag of bones so much life? I didn’t, I still don’t always

know, until I go back, and again the peace that once clothed me like a cacoon wraps me tight and

holds me still, bringing peace and the endurance to keep pressing on, to keep making beautiful

things, and to keep being a beautiful thing.

(June 2019)

Again I sat, peering out into the deep black night sky from the parking garage. There were no

stars, no clouds, not even the moon in sight. I sat under the tall bright lights on the top level of

the garage and I watched the bugs swarm the heat of every bulb. I sipped on a blueberry coffee

and feasted on a chocolate muffin and my heart hurt a bit. It hurt over all the brokenness around

me and the ways my heart has changed since I have aged. It hurts from the lack of intentionality

in my life and all the ways I have let myself down and let others down. Right now the parking

garage isn’t full of life like it use to be, it is nothing like a home where life and love reside, but it

does the job when I need it do. As I peer out looking past the dark black sky, I see a world. I see

a world full of people who hurt like me and who love like me and who live everyday wanting

community and life giving companionship just like I do. I see a world and people longing for

Jesus and I see a world I want to love for an eternity. It’s hard, trust me. I don’t always want to

love myself or people or God, but I’m in this for the long haul. I’m in this because as empty as

this parking garage is tonight, I’m not in this place alone. I have the whole world around me and

a whole great God in control of it all and It feels as if he is sitting in the passenger seat of this

tiny little homey Altima right next to me.

I started out my summer in a definite drought; I realized this after sitting in my favorite place, all

alone, with a drenched t-shirt in tears and a sniffles unlike any other I have had from crying.

You see, people and places no longer brought me joy, and God became the absolute hardest

person to love. The season of life I was in was new to me. There was a lot of change coming

about, too much anxiety, a sprinkle of depression, and little trust and certainty of anything

outside of every moment I was in. I really realized how broken I was and how broken the world

was this summer. I mean I knew it, but I had never acknowledged it before like I had this

summer. My heart turned absolutely stone cold, not towards people, but towards myself. My

heart became so hardened for myself that I couldn't even bear the thought of ministry or being in

the church, because I didn't think I was going to do it how I knew I needed to.

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This summer I had some huge opportunities to serve the Lord. I had so many plans for things I

had prayed so hard for and had been looking forward to. I applied for these things and had felt so

much joy upon my acceptance and placements, but as the summer approached I felt more

unprepared than ever before. The Co-op, and my summer plans had no idea what kind of hot

mess was about to be entertained by them.

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I got to be a part of The Co-op this summer. Through this I was a pastoral intern at Columbus

First United Methodist Church. I spent a lot of time in this internship wrestling with he

traditional reals of christianity and the church. I struggled a lot with the liturgical prayers and

understanding their place in my life, and it selfishly made me bitter and anxious in an odd way.

I was pushed this summer. I was pushed to do new things and write, and speak (all things I hate

to do). Oddly enough all the things I was pushed to do seemed from the liturgy I was reading

with my groups in prayer time. These prayers that I easily despised during the start of my

internship quickly became one of my main focuses as the summer passed by. I began to study

these prayers and became a part of writing my own scripturally based liturgy for church services,

in which I got to lead in services too. I also really began to understand the scripture that these

liturgical prayers were based off of, and began to be challenged to write small sermons and Bible

studies to share.

I knew writing, and especially writing about scripture was a thing I enjoyed, but I had never seen

it done this way. It was quite lyrical and flowed in a poetic way that I had never written about

scripture (I have a huge love for poetry, so this was a really awesome, eye opening process for

me).

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The Lord has always been so good to me and he will continue to do so, but the journey I took

this summer in participating in The Co-op was a true testament of God’s goodness.

I fell back in love with ministry in a way I never have. My heart finally broke over the walls I had built about

what I was capable of and what I wanted to do, and my reservations were completely canceled.

You see, I wanted to leave the church and be far away from ministry in doing so, and tried so

hard to find things to pursue that were similar to ministry, but God kept saying no, and plans kept

falling through. It only took two weeks of straight prayer and a few handfuls of meltdowns with

close friends and peers in ministry to convince me that I knew I had a call to ministry even if I

kept running from it.

The Co-op relationships I didn't know I needed, a new church home I had been longing for, and

so much help in the discerning of ministry I was doing and still am doing. I was loved on and

prayed for by so many people to make this summer special. So many people supported me

spiritually, and I am so glad I didn't let my anxiety and selfishness keep me from experiencing

new parts of people, and amazing church, myself, and God.

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Journal Insert from this summer:

“It’s so weird. I mean how something we don’t understand (plans/life) can impact us like this.

Something we believe in and do anyway even though we just don’t understand. I guess that’s like

believing in a God you can’t see though. Believing in and loving someone who believes in us

and loves us even though nothing about him is tangible and can be understood. It’s faith, and

although is seems so foreign being here, it is so natural. Natural to love these people and this

place and God. I guess faith is natural when you accept that you are a part of God’s nature.”

-

Mary Cecil Kimbrell

The Co-op - Pastoral Intern

Columbus First United Methodist Church